The purpose of this writing is scientifically and factually loose.  Real information will be presented in this and following writings and perhaps in a way that you may or may not agree with but it is not here for debate.  It is here as a journal, to communicate feelings, to communicate a current state from the perspective of one person. If it bothers you, fine.  I’m not sure why you came to a URL that was a GUID anyway.

There was this restaurant in Istanbul called Katibim that Z and I went to the one night. It was a really nice restaurant more like “upscale” than most of the places we ate while we were there. It was fun sitting there chatting with her, drinking interesting drinks. She got some sort of tropical thing with popcorn flavoring iirc and I got some sort of more spicy red thing like a Bloody Mary or something. (I may have mentally swapped those it’s been years at this point and there has been hell in between)

The area around it was beautiful too. All of Istanbul is but this area was one that we hadn’t been before and we could see it out the windows and stuff. Walking up there was a guy selling these weird stringy candy things and some kids shooting each other with what amounts to Nerf guns or something. There were big steps leading up to this place and we were on the third floor, if I’m remembering correctly. This place was much bigger than a lot of the places that we had been as well.

The food was incredible too. I got fajitas because I love fajitas and they did a damned good job making a solid fajita. I can’t remember what she got but she loved it as well. We got some small desserts too and they were delicious.

I miss this.

I want life to be this again.

Now I can’t even go to a fucking restaurant without fear taking over. I order something I have to pick up with my hands to eat it (like a fajita) and I get grossed out and sanitize my hands before touching it. Even then I’m sitting there with my anxiety piqued because I can’t wear a mask while I’m eating, obviously. I’m tired of trips to walmart or other places feeling like some sort of mission that I have to survive. I’m tired of worrying about my family doing things because I’m worried they’re going to catch COVID. I’m tired of fearing more fights with people I care about over all of this.

I miss not feeling like I’m in a state of transition. I’m tired of feeling like “Ok, once this is over I can go on with life and be happy” but I just don’t have any motivation or energy to do anything right now. I get this feeling like I’m trapped because I don’t feel comfortable just going out and getting supplies or joining some MeetUp group or something.

Everything just feels so.. paused. Like someday life will continue but for now we sit in our holes. I never thought staying home would really bother me. I work from home. I live at home. All of my stuff is here. I used to say I didn’t know why I’d go anywhere else because this is where all of the stuff I care about is.

That all kind of changed last time I was in Atlanta. I realized how insanely I missed being around people. I spent most of the time just beside myself with joy. I got to, along with a good friend, meet another good friend who we have known online for years and he and his family were amazing. The whole trip was so incredible. I keep looking back at this picture of a large portion of the people who were on-sight for the event at the office toasting. We’ve all got massive smiles on our faces or we’re mid-wooooooop and we were all just happy to finally be in a situation like that again after so long. Years.

I just hope it comes back.  I hope we’re not in this Sci-fi level horror series for the rest of our lives.  Honestly it seems like it could get worse.  The virus isn’t the only problem.

People everywhere are realizing that the lives we’ve been told we want don’t actually stand up to the test of time.  That they don’t want to just continue to drone forward making someone else rich in the process while they struggle to even have the energy to wake up in the morning.

Similarly governments around the world are being questioned.  Prior to this event the world was moving in a direction that felt very dangerous and authoritarian.  Now the people who supported that notion still support that notion but believe that the people trying to help are actually trying to control them.  This may seem like something stupid you’d roll your eyes at or, perhaps, you can see where they’re coming from.  Regardless, this is not a small problem.

The reality is a lot of people in this world are unsettled.  Things will keep happening that makes the situation less and less stable and it seems like the only real end result is some sort of downfall.  Be it of a country, a form of government, a demographic, anything.  It just feels like something big is on the horizon.  And all I really want is to live my fucking life.  In peace.  To be able to continue my mediocre existence and get some occasional joy from buying a new toy or from traveling somewhere I’ve never been before.

On top of all of that we’re dealing with pretty grim outlooks for our environment.  You can see it in everything.  The driest year– the hottest year– the rainiest year– the most severe weather in centuries– the deepest snow– the coldest winter– etc etc.  Volcanoes, earthquakes, tsunamis.  These are all things that may be cyclical or may be man-made.

At one point I was reading about volcanoes and got to a part that mentioned that their eruptions are difficult to predict.  It is said one prevailing theory about why/when they erupt is pressure from above/the ocean.  Ice that causes pressure to be placed on the chamber, sealing in the magma.  When the ice melts, you start to see the magma slip through the cracks and it could lead to a release aka a volcanic eruption.  It’s not a distant leap to imagine that our melting ice around the planet could be the reason we’re seeing this apparent increase in volcanic activity and earthquakes.

I say all of this to say we’re in an interesting time.  Life is likely just going to continue to get more interesting and simultaneously more terrifying.  My hope here is to write about it in a way that records the present for the future but as it plays out in my head.  I’m not here to tell you what to think.  I’m here to tell you what I think.  Please enjoy but if you don’t, keep it to yourself.